Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married for eight years and share two beautiful children. About four years ago, I found him gambling, using substances and going places behind my back while he was supposed to be at work.
We have been in therapy since early 2020, both individually and as a couple. Since that time, he has repeatedly made the same hurtful choices. He says he wants our marriage to be better, but it seems that he’s unwilling to give up his impulsive and selfish ways. Most recently I discovered, while looking through our joint bank account transactions, that he lost $2,000 in online gambling in the last three weeks. When I asked him about these charges, he admitted what he had done and told me he never planned on sharing this mistake with me.
I am hurt, appalled and feeling so lost. I have tried very hard to improve our marriage based on what he says he needs from me, but I don’t know if he will ever agree to fully change his harmful behaviors. I don’t know if I can trust him anymore. Is there any hope for us, or has the damage gone too far and we should part ways? — Heartbroken
Dear Heartbroken: Your feelings of helplessness and disappointment are more than valid. The fact that your husband is lying, using substances and acting so carelessly with your shared money is already alarming — but even more so with children in the picture.
It sounds like you’ve already tried to approach these incidents with grace. Now your husband is in need of tough love. The National Council on Problem Gambling (1-800-GAMBLER) and the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (1-800-662-HELP) are both helpful resources, available 24/7.
In no uncertain terms, inform your husband that if he is unwilling to turn his act around, you’ll have no choice but to move on without him. What’s most important is protecting yourself and your children from someone who has proven to be an unpredictable and potentially catastrophic force.
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